On Sobriety

In a couple of days, it'll be 3 full months since I've had a drink (save for the accidental mix-up by my friend Dave between his vodka tonic and my tonic and lime resulting in a gulp and the sip of white wine I had when Cindy claimed it was the best white she'd ever had).

What brought on this decision? Last fall I finally came to the conclusion that sometimes I drink too much, and some of those times I end up doing or saying really stupid things that I have to then sheepishly apologize for. Though the "I was drunk" apology is completely true, I mean, I would never ever have done or said what I did sober, it's still a really lame one, don't you think? I mean, technically I made the decision to drink that much (though by that point my powers of reasoning are obviously altered), therefore I indirectly made the decision to proceed with the words or actions. Soooo, the next logical step was to stop drinking.

Alcohol is deeply ingrained in our society, period. I knew that going into this little experiment. And over these last few months, I realized just how true that statement is. ALCOHOL IS HOPELESSLY AND COMPLETELY INGRAINED IN OUR SOCIETY!!! It seems that if any two people are getting together for any purpose except driving, alcohol is involved. If I had a buck for every time I was offered a drink, sometimes repeatedly by the same person on the same occasion, I could buy a lotta booze right now! Take drinking out of the equation, and I'll be the first to say it, ya get bored!

I went out on one date when I was back in SF for those two months. Dinner was a little painful in that we were having really yummy food and he was having a big ole fat glass of rich red wine that I could smell from a mile away (oh ya, my sense of smell has dramatically increased sans booze), but I made it through unscathed. Afterwards though, sheesh, whatdoya do? Normally, duh, you go to a bar. I assured him I didn't mind going to a bar, so we did. But after *that* we ran into the same question...what do we do? Well, normally by then everyone would be pretty tipsy, so you'd likely go back to somebody's place and hook up. Poor guy, I knew that was what he wanted to do...I think he even said it...but me, nope, I was stone cold sober and there was no way I was hooking up with a guy who was moderately interesting, but I wasn't interested in. So he took me home, and I watched another episode of Lost and went to bed.

Going out with friends was easier - no awkwardness - but I'd get bored after a couple of hours when everyone else was just getting going. Plus, there's only so many diet cokes or tonics with lime that you can drink. Goodness, how is it we can drink so much more alcohol?

Going out with NEW people is awful. I don't get nervous or anything around new people, but I've learned that booze definitely helps lubricate the gears to make talking easier. Without it you tend to sit back and let the buzzed people talk louder and interrupt each other more often. After a while, you are barely cracking a smile when everyone else is laughing hysterically. Progressive belligerence is ...I wouldn't say entertaining to watch, it's actually sort of saddening, but it is interesting to observe. It's usually right around then that I'm trying to leave wherever I'm at. No bueno.

Explaining to people that I'm not drinking for the time being isn't much fun either. The 2 most common reactions are 1, they think you must be in AA or 2, they think that you have taken a high and mighty position and are somehow judging them for their own drinking. #1 is the one I sense most often from people, though no one ever says it explicitly. It's tough to defend yourself at this point ("oh but I'm not an alcoholic"...sure...right), so I never do. #2 is also tough to answer, but I try if I see a window: "oh but it doesn't bother me a bit if you guys are drinking, no worries" - and this is true. I guess the 3rd reaction is folks think you are some sort of a goodie two shoes. I have to laugh at this. And those of you who know me can join in for a chuckle as well. But there's no telling a stranger this, particularly when they're too drunk to be interested in anything I have to say.

Not drinking has been way easier than I thought it would be. I really thought I'd be jonesin, not all the time, but whenever in a social environment, and especially out at bars. But actually, save for getting bored early, I was quite happy to be sober. I was definitely happy to drive home (and offer rides to anyone else - yay!), and my most pleasant piece of this experiment was waking up clear-eyed every single morning. I can't begin to tell you how nice that is. I wasn't hangover city before, but there were the odd times where I paid the price for the night before, like we all do. And more often would have just a dull haziness that tells you you aren't 100%.

Not drinking has also helped my savings account, as that's what I'm living on currently. And theoretically my calorie-intake benefited as well, though I can't say I lost any weight.

Most importantly though, I haven't done or said a single thing that I regret these last 3 months, and I've learned that I don't *need* alcohol.

So what now? Well, after all of my capping on drinking you'd think I'd swear it off for good. But I'll be honest, having a glass of wine or beer now and then to celebrate an occasion or over a nice dinner with friends is something I don't want to give up. I had originally said 6 months for this experiment, but 3 is going to suffice, as I don't feel I will learn any more over the next 3 that I haven't already. So come April 1, I will have a nice chilled glass of white wine. But following that, my drinking will be measured. Incidentally, I'm on some medication now that isn't safe to mix with much alcohol. So for the next few months, I'm limited to the occasional drink anyway. After that, I've decided that no occasion ever deserves more than 3 drinks, and now that I've completed my little experiment, I know I have the strength of will to adhere to this little personal policy.