Black and White

So as my time here draws to a close, I find myself waxing a bit
philosophical. I've had tangible observations within myself around the
notion of black and white, so I thought I'd share.

If candid discussion of race makes you uncomfortable, stop reading.

Over my years, I can't say I've really been around that many black people.
From first grade through high school, I lived in a town in South Texas that
was oh, 95% or so Hispanic. There, sometimes, I felt like the minority, but
most of the time it didn't seem to matter so much.

In college I did calculus with Alvin, my first black friend. Alvin was
brilliant, and damn fine. (I really wish I could find you, Alvin.) At my
first dot-com job I had a black colleague who I worked closely with and
deeply respected. Presently, I've got one close black friend (hi Jay!), but
that's it. It just seems like the circles don't mix very much, ya know?
Not on purpose; it's just the way it is.

Anyway, leading up to coming here, I didn't give much thought to
black/white. It just sort of slipped my mind. But then I got here, and the
first night hanging out in the hostel during orientation, I thought to
myself, embarrassingly, "oh my gosh, there are so many black people here."
(and there were only a few!) When I got up to Kavango and to my school,
that thought was more pronounced. It wasn't an icky feeling...it's hard to
explain...it was just at the forefront of my thinking.

After, oh, I don't know, maybe 3 or so months, one day it hit me - I didn't
see "black people" anymore, I just saw people. And, interestingly, I'd be
more surprised when I saw more than two white people together.

Now here's where it gets interesting. Over the years I came to understand
that it was ok for black people to refer to themselves as black or other
terms of their choosing implying race. But it was decidedly NOT ok for
white people to refer to black people as such. I didn't get that at all.
But wouldn't ya know, I feel the EXACT SAME WAY now. I reference my race to
other people from time to time here (i.e. "all the white people are going to
rundu for a party"), but boy it irks me when I hear people refer to me as
Mukuwa ("white person" in Thimbukushu). ESPECIALLY people who know my name
and who do it right in front of me. OH MY GOD. Last term a staff member
came into the office asking for something, and another teacher said in
Thimbukushu, ask the mukuwa. At the parents' meeting the other day, I was
asked to loan out all my pencils for voting. And the principal said
something along the lines of 'please return the mukuwa's pencils'. Why does
this get my blood rushing, but I can make jokes about how my white nose
turns bright red in the sun? I kinda get the parents' meeting, but I still
find it intolerable amongst my "colleagues."

I recently read an article about race, and how people identify with race
even before gender. We don't say "a man who is black", we say "black man".
But, in Spanish the adjective comes after the noun, "hombre negro", so I
wonder, is it based on language? I kinda doubt it, but it does bring up an
interesting question. Anyway, race is obviously important descriptor. But
again, why should it bother me (or anyone?) I don't have the answer. All I
know is that it does.

I wonder what it's going to be like going home... My guess is that I'll be
much the same as I was, but should I ever find myself in a room with more
than a few "black people", I probably won't notice as much as I would've
before.